Rule #1: seek professional help

Rule #1 should be "Don't monkey around with a post that's been posted." I did and I lost it so I'm going to rewrite it. This advice is too important to skip over.

In 1984 I had a malignant salivary gland removed from the left side of my neck. My doctor at that time thought I should take radiation to make sure the area was clean. I went to work, got a divorce, bought a house, and didn't miss a beat. I was slightly nuts but I just kept moving, like a shark. I was afraid to be still.

Sometime in 1995 I knew I had something growing on that side of my neck again but I convinced myself and my GP that it was a pulled muscle. I played that game for a year because I had been told by my radiologist in 1989 that if the cancer came back it would be tits up for the home side. That doesn't excuse my stupidity but it explains it. If I was going to die I'd just as soon not know it.

By the time I got to Dr. Suen at the Arkansas Cancer Research Center in 1996 the tumor had vined around my jugular vein, my sternocleidomastoid muscle, an accessory nerve and some other stuff. My fear was paralyzing. His first directions to me were to make an appointment with the behavioral therapy department. That's fancy for shrink. Dr. Suen told me he couldn't cure my body until my head was screwed on straight. This was the single best piece of advice I was given.

I started seeing Dr. Sherman but I was scared and mad and acted like an ass. I whined, wheedled, and cussed a blue streak but it didn't phase him. The more he ignored my bad behavior the worse I behaved. After several sessions like this I was so frustrated by his lack of reaction I burst into tears. That must have been what he was waiting for because he threw me a box of Kleenex and said, "Now we can get somewhere."

With his help I began to work through the fear and the anger and I found reserves of personal strength I didn't know were there. I began to level with myself and understand that I wasn't in this alone. I had the support of family and friends and they needed to help me as much as I needed the help. It was okay to let my guard down once in awhile. For someone who is scared of not being in control this was the scariest of all.

Since 1996 Dr. Suen has operated on me 7 or 8 times, I've lost track, but what I learned with Dr. Sherman has stayed with me. None of us can battle cancer alone and it's not a sign of weakness to let someone help you.