Mothers

My Mom was and is a fulltime MOM. She’ll be 90 next month but no one doubts who is in charge. We said our Mom didn’t work. That was a lie. She worked 24/7. Moms don’t get vacations and they don’t get sick. My Mom actually told me once that maybe if she’d worked she would have contributed more to us and to herself. I was stunned. How could she have contributed more? I was quick to point out a few of her accomplishments. She’s been married to the same man for 68 years. She raised five children. No one is dead and no one is in jail. All five of us are college educated. Four of the five work or worked in the education field. One is a nurse; enough said. Cumulatively we have 8 college degrees. Two of us are comfortably retired from long careers in public education and nursing. One is a college professor, celebrated artist, and published author. One teaches 7^th grade and that deserves an automatic pass to heaven. The baby is the state director of transportation for the Arkansas state department of education. How much more could she contribute?

I’m a baby boomer who knew my limits. I didn’t have children because I wasn’t willing to make that kind of commitment. It was all I could do to keep on top of things without that pressure. I was told I’d regret my child free status but I’m 57 and it hasn’t happened yet. My generation sold motherhood short. Remember, this is my opinion. We were all out there scrambling to live a fulfilled life.

I’ve observed my brothers and sister raise their children. I’m the only one out of five who didn’t reproduce. Like I said earlier, that was my choice. I lack that maternal gene that’s necessary to parent effectively. When I babysat my siblings’ children it wasn’t unusual for my young charges to remind me that they needed to be fed periodically. And forget dealing with car seats. I never did get the hang of those things. When I couldn’t fasten the strap on my great niece’s seat I told her she’d be okay because we were only going a little way. She whined to me, “But Aunt Barbie I’m not safe!” On the other hand I have a choking phobia. I was always sure I’d kill one by letting them eat hard candy or hot dogs. It’s become a family joke that Aunt Barbie will cut your hot dog into miniscule pieces even if you’re 40.

Culturally we’ve boxed ourselves in. It takes two incomes, if not more, for us to maintain a decent lifestyle. We all require two of everything; two cars, two salaries. And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high in America? Just think about it. Most households today consist of one adult and two or more children. The adult is usually, but not necessarily, the mother. She is overworked, underpaid, and underappreciated. This isn’t headline news. We’ve known it for years.

I’m glad a growing number of young women are making different choices. The good thing is there is a choice now. My generation felt compelled to compete in the job market. We needed to prove we could succeed with the hunters and gatherers. We proved it but at what price? This new generation of women makes no excuses for staying home and doing the hard, dirty work of maintaining a family and home. Maybe we gave them that choice. I hope so. One young woman told me, “I was raised in daycare. My kids won’t be.” That says it all. These young women see motherhood for what it is; the hardest job on the planet. For me it was easier to leave the house everyday, put in my time and energy, and leave it behind after my eight hours. Homemaking doesn’t allow for preparation periods or coffee breaks.

Many women try to have it all. Some are even good at it. Others look like they’ve been in the spin cycle of the washing machine. I guess it’s about choosing your battles. We hear that all the time. You might have to trade off folding laundry to attend a softball game. The beds go unmade to make time for breakfast. I’ve seen it work but never without sacrifice. Of course, that’s just a part of parenting whether you work outside the home or not. It’s not a part time job.

I have so much respect for mothers. They are required to be all things to all family members. They must be lover and companion to their husbands. They are alternately dictators or choice givers to their children. They listen and encourage and love unconditionally. Many run companies, teach the children of others, care for the sick, or stand on concrete for hours dealing with customer related issues. Then they go home and cook, clean, do homework, attend school functions, mend broken hearts, and listen to children and spouse, if they have one. Mothers are the real heroes.